i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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