Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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