i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
