Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
