I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
