She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
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