Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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