OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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