4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
