so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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