What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
