My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
