genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
