I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
