You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
