who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
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