Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
