Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
