You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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