Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
