??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
