then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
