Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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