So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
