I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
