Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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