Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
two words...techno handjob
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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