That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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