p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
