Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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