he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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