I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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