I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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