dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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