the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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