You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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