someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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