my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
