I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
