I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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