I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
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