She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
