Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
