I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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