This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
