The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
