I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Boobs speak an international language.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
