peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
