mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
