Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
